Fat Fucked Up Show at The Mint this
Thursday...Wednesday, November 06, 2002 10:40 amLong
Live The King…Thursday, July 18, 2002 07:32 pmIn
the middle of an unusual life…Tuesday, April 30, 2002 09:34 pmQuick
update...Monday, March 11, 2002 08:08 pmMy
trip to HUSTLER, my take on porn, and the Fuck
Dimension...January 04th, 2002 06:29amA
Thing of Beauty...December 27th, 2001 11:49pmHelping Eli Armen-Van Horn with his
homework...December 06th, 2001 02:28amUpcoming Shit...November 23rd, 2001 03:37amMy
first standup video is complete!November 05th, 2001 01:46pmTrip
the fuck out...September 25th, 2001 05:00amThank
God for men like Jerry Falwell...September 24th, 2001 08:09amIt's
the end of the world as we know it...September 15th, 2001 05:06amIrvine Improv...September 07th, 2001 02:09pmEveryone should go to Vegas...September 04th, 2001 03:48amBullshit...September 03rd, 2001 07:07pmReaction...August 10th, 2001 08:31pmRetraction...August 08th, 2001 09:35pmAsk
and yea' shall receive...July
31st, 2001 11:34pmWhad'ya bored?July
12th, 2001 04:09amTradition...July
10th, 2001 04:44amOh
no!! They've found me!June
21st, 2001 08:09pmBlah,
20th, 2001 04:24pmThere
goes the neighborhood...June
14th, 2001 12:30amParent your fucking kids...June
06th, 2001 12:17amWhat
do YOU believe?June
01st, 2001 10:33pmDo it
17th, 2001 03:18amBack
from the Static...May
03rd, 2001 08:54amDone...April
18th, 2001 10:04pmI'm
off to North Carolina...April
05th, 2001 04:44amThe
Denial Project: No jerking off for a month, Day
11...March 24th, 2001 05:00amDenial...March
14th, 2001 05:18amTalking Monkeys...March
08th, 2001 02:04amWhere
the fuck have you been?February 23rd, 2001 03:29amVegas... Clarification...February 03rd, 2001 01:41amBack
in the Box...January 31st, 2001 05:30pmChicks...January 17th, 2001 07:24amDude,
where the fuck have you been?!?!?!January 12th, 2001 02:42pmNew
Video footage and Happy Asshole Night...December 31st, 2000 09:04pmBe
thankful you're not a fucking idiot...December 26th, 2000 08:45pmDumbest President EVER...December 13th, 2000 10:55pmI'm
down with Donny Osmond, so you best back the fuck off,
bitch!!December 06th, 2000 12:18amTit
for tat...December 04th, 2000 04:07pmDon't
get confused, folks...November 28th, 2000 04:53pmSTRANGE TIMES!!November 27th, 2000 09:36pmNew
video footage for download and radio
times...November 20th, 2000 11:20pmLife...November 12th, 2000 11:20pmTouring overseas, Hot Women and me on comedyworld.com
today...November 06th, 2000 04:50amMaking Friends...November 02nd, 2000 04:50amVEGAS, Baby!! VEGAS!!!!!!October 27th, 2000 02:50amVoting and Shit...October 26th, 2000 08:40pmProblems with Porn...October 25th, 2000 03:30amPayback...October 18th, 2000 06:30pmPirate Radio for the whole fucking
world!October 14th, 2000 06:00pmNorth
Carolina is Cool...October 12th, 2000 09:00amHome,
Sweet Home...October 04th, 2000 10:30pmI
hereby endorse Satan for President...September 30th, 2000 05:30pmPhat
Linkz...Spetember 29th, 2000 04:30pmAnna
Nicole Wins!!September 28th, 2000 05:30pmMedia
files back up, Mac users and why Netscape sucks leaky
ass...September 26th, 2000 01:00amWhite
Devil News!September 24th, 2000 11:00pmYellow Journalism...September 18th, 2000 07:20pmI
creep away to the road again...September 12th, 2000 07:20pmBack
from the Great State of TexasSeptember 04th, 2000 11:55pmQuestions and Answers...August 29th, 2000 02:22amBack
from Denver and the album is OUT!Augest 23rd, 2000 10:22pmWelcome to my fucked up website's day
one!August 12th, 2000
Long Live The King…
Thursday, July 18, 2002 07:32
pm - JoeRogan
It was Wednesday night, and I got a
call from my buddy Doug
Stanhope, telling me that he’s hosting a show in
Hollywood with Extreme Elvis.
canceled my previous plans for the evening to catch what
was sure to be one hell of a fucked up
I arrived at 10 to a seedy little
rock club in Hollywood called “Goldfingers,” which is
one of those perfect little cool Hollywood joints that
always make you smile when you find them. Filled with
black walls, silver cushions and lots of chicks with
dyed black hair and tattoos. Step right in to a living,
The sound of anonymous
angry music was bleeding through the door as the bouncer
worked the line and checked for fake id’s.
his left is a red and blue pop tent.
I thought, but hey, we’re in Hollywood.
I move up
in line, and the bouncer gives me the typical “Are you
that guy from TV?” look.
He smiles when he reads
the name on my license, and a guy behind him asks, “Did
you really eat that
I step inside
and find Doug. He’s got a smile on his face like a giddy
little schoolgirl about to try on her new birthday
is gonna be fucking crazy! They just got back from San
Diego, they did a show there and got fired after 5
“Does this club know what they
He smiles. “I don’t think so. Let’s
step outside. You want to meet him? He’s out in his
tent.” We start heading out the door, when Doug stops
and turns around.
“Oh yeah, he’s in character
right now, so don’t get freaked out.
show he’s just a regular dude named Matt, but before the
opens up the tent, and sure enough, there’s the
drinking Jack Daniels while his backup singer writes his
set list on his chest.
We exchange pleasantries,
and for the most part he seems like a pretty normal
He starts warming up his voice, getting
ready for the show.
“Excuse my, while I
Right after he says that, he
lays back in the tent, and his backup singer starts
pouring melted wax all over his chest.
Ok, maybe he’s not so
They zip up the tent, and Doug
and I head inside.
There’re two more bands before
Elvis, and Doug has to do a set in between them and then
introduce them. For the most part, all that comes out
this is a bunch of drunken hecklers getting verbally
raped, but it made me laugh.
It’s nice to get a
chance to see Doug work, even if it’s only 5 minutes in
front of a drunk rock crowd.
takes the stage…
There’s no way most
of the people in the audience knew what to expect before
In the beginning, it looked and
sounded like some ordinary Elvis
The only difference being that they
I know the expectations one would
have for an Elvis impersonator aren’t very high, but
these guys are just plain tight musicians. Elvis hops
off the stage and into the crowd, and at first it seems
they don’t know what to think of him. One thing they
know for sure, is that the music is good, and this guy
doesn’t give a fuck.
the set starts to get a little
There’s a problem with the back up
singer’s mic, and they start to get attitude from the
guy in the sound booth. Loud swears are exchanged, and
the crowd gets a little nervous.
Elvis downs his
beer, and then smashes his bottle on the floor in front
of the stage.
A girl in the audience picks up the
broken glass, and throws it onstage.
guitarist then threatens to shove his guitar deep in the
ass of anyone that throws broken glass up there again.
He means it.
Elvis starts to take his
His back up singer takes her top
audience starts to freak, and I began to realize that I
was watching something brilliant.
off, here’s a fat guy who literally has one of the
smallest cocks in the history of mankind, and he can’t
wait to get in front of a drunken crowd and show it to
A kick ass band surrounds him, and he’s
doing an Elvis impression.
And he’s fucking
The most unnerving thing about what
was happening was the feeling I got watching
I really began to feel that ANYTHING
could happen right now. It’s that crackling feeling that
you get when your self-preservation instincts kick in.
Chaos as performance
I really felt like someone might die
in here tonight. It just feels THAT fucked up.
was like some new school G.G. Allin type shit. These
guys were not playing, they were the real
The girl who threw the glass starts
to yell at Elvis.
Doug turns to
“I betcha he’s gonna throw shit on
“Are you fucking
I’m on the front row 5 feet
away from this mouthy bitch, and the thought of the very
real possibility of driving home with human shit on my
clothes is not very appealing.
I think. “This is gonna be worth the
Elvis hops of the
The band begins a new song, and
the now naked Elvis dives into the crowd and starts
rubbing his gut and miniature cock on people while he
sings. People are screaming, laughing, and tripping over
each other all at the same time. All of them are trying
to avoid being marked, and yet all are fascinated at the
Elvis gut checks the mouthy
bitch and she pushes him away. He smiles, and tries to
steal a beer from the girl next to her.
holds on tight, and in the struggle she falls down,
still hanging on to her beer.
She puts her thumb over the top of the
beer, and starts shaking it.
She runs up to Elvis
and starts spraying the beer in his face. He starts
“Elvis Bukkake!” He yells
The girl is upset that Elvis isn’t
upset, so she decides to take it to another
She runs up behind him, and starts to
shove her beer bottle up Elvis’ ass.
doesn’t even flinch.
The crowd is
screaming in horror, while she’s struggling at it for a
good 15 to twenty seconds.
Finally he turns his
head to look at her and says into the
“That’s not my asshole,
He readjusts her
This lack of concern completely
freaks the girl out, and she drops the bottle and leaves
Throughout all of this, the
band never misses a beat.
Elvis then hops
back onstage and delivers a furious ending to the
The crowd explodes with a thunderous round
They are thoroughly and
You call THAT
exactly is entertainment? Some people have rigid
standards based for the most part on predetermined
patterns of behavior that they expect the performer to
I look at it this way, the entire club
was totally transfixed, and everyone had a huge smile on
We were entertained.
the unfortunate pleasure of being talked into going to
musicals in the past, and every single time I found them
to be a fucking murderous assault on my attention
Yet to the average person, a musical is
considered entertaining, where as a fat naked guy
dressing up like Elvis and pissing in a chick’s mouth is
(more on that
As they begin the next
song, Elvis climbs into a booth, and begins to hold
court about how “fake” everything in Hollywood
Normally such obvious talk is easily
dismissed, but when it comes from a naked fat guy with
no dick, people tend to pay attention. Not only are they
paying attention, but the ladies begin to flock around
him. They are all drawn to the sheer magnetism of his
charisma. One girl actually starts to make out with
then breaks into a rap song, and the entire crowd bobs
their heads along with him.
Yes, you heard
he’s done, he tells his backup singer to take her top
off, and remove her panties.
Then he takes a big swig of beer, and
“Who wants to drink the King’s
“I do! I do!” The singer
You gotta be shittin’
She holds up a glass, and the King
begins to piss into it.
She opens her mouth, and
sticks her tongue out. He pisses all over her face, and
then begins to piss into the crowd.
again people dive for cover, all the while laughing
I’m thinking to myself, how did
this crazy fucker put this band together?
its hard enough finding talented musicians, but to find
a pretty backup singer that actually has talent, AND she
lets you piss in her mouth?
That’s a tough chick
It’s not like she’s getting crazy
paid from it all, either. The gig that they got fired
from in San Diego the night before only paid $75.00, and
that’s for a 5 person band.
The guy in
the sound booth yells out “Last song,
Elvis then hops back onstage, and
begins a rousing rendition of “Suspicious
The entire crowd is singing
“I’m caught in a trap… I can’t
walk out… because I love you too much
The entire fucking crowd is
Let me put this into
perspective for you… He just pissed in a chick’s mouth,
and then pissed on the audience, and then the entire
crowd was singing along to the next
Afterwards he sat out
naked by the bar and signed
It was the greatest show I’ve ever